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It's
3 am. She is lying in bed awake because she has heard him come in
the house. Maybe if she's lucky, he will have come home in a good
mood. But suddenly the darkness turns bright as he comes in and
switches the overhead light on. He yells for her to get up and fix
him something to eat. She wishes she had the nerve to shove him back
out the door and tell him to go away, but instead, the little girl
answers, "Yes, Dad." She's 12 years old and is just
starting to realize that other kids don't live this way. Other kids
get to be kids. Other kids don't go to school all tired and worn out
from getting up in the middle of the night. Other kids haven't moved
17 times in twelve years. Other kids don't have an alcoholic father.
She goes in the kitchen and starts peeling potatoes since that is
what he has 'ordered' for supper. Steak and fried potatoes. She
starts calculating in her head how long it will take to fix the meal
and figures she will get about another hour of sleep after she's
done. He comes in the room, and she hopes that he will just ignore
her and not speak to her. No such luck. He stands watching her peel
potatoes. Suddenly everything goes flying off the table. He has raked
everything off into the floor. "Can't you do ANYTHING
right?" She sits quietly in the chair with her head down...tears
starting to run down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Dad." And she cries.
The
little girl finally gets to go back to her bedroom. He's done
yelling for the night. He's passed out now. She lies in bed, looking
at the ceiling, trying to figure out how just once she can make her
dad proud of her. She was getting straight A's in school, was on the
honor roll, was known in school for her artwork after having a
painting go to a state contest. Why couldn't he be proud of her for
those accomplishments? They barely rated a passing glance. And then
it dawned on her...his alcohol and his partying was much more
important to him than anything else. Why was life so unfair? And
again she cried.
She's
25 now...the years haven't changed her dad at all. He still loves to
party and drink his beer. She is married now...to a man just like
dad. Her husband drinks and parties and tells her that if she doesn't
like it, to get out. She doesn't say anything else about the
drinking...she didn't like being pushed out of that chair. So she
sits home and wonders how she managed to feel so defeated in just a
few short years. And again she cries.
Four
years later and the marriage is finally over. She has caught him
with another woman. It was all she could take, so she tells him to
pack his clothes and leave. As she sits there alone...she wonders
what she did wrong...and again she cries.
Two
years later and she sits with her mom as her mom cries her heart
out. Her dad is leaving her mom after 33 years of marriage. Seems he
met another woman...in a bar. She keeps thinking if she had been a
better daughter she could have helped her parents keep their marriage
together...and she cries.
She
is finally going to see her dad again. It's been four years since
she last visited him in the new state where he moved. She keeps
hoping he's changed. She's remarried and has two beautiful little
girls who aren't used to being around someone who is drunk and loud.
She waits for him and her step-mother to arrive and thinks back to
the way she had to live her life, and is so thankful that her
children will never have to go through that. Her dad finally arrives,
and she is so disappointed to see him walk up with a beer in his
hand. He's aged about 15 years in the last four. He looks real bad
since his heart attack. The night goes on, and he gets louder and
more obnoxious. She finally has all she can take and she asks him to
leave. She doesn't want her girls around that kind of behavior. She
tells him to come back when he has sobered up. He gets mad and says
he'll never come back. He leaves and even though she knows she's done
the right thing for her girls...still she cries.
©
1999-2008
Beth
Creason
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The
story you have just read is true. This is the hardest webpage I have
ever done...emotionally. It is so sad to think that there are kids
who grow up this way. The girl in the story is me, in case you hadn't
already figured that out. I ended the story on a high note. I have
since made up with my father, and I have also had counseling to try
and understand this horrible disease called alcoholism. Even though I
have been told over and over that it was not my fault that my dad is
the way he is, I still somehow feel a little responsible. I keep
thinking that there is something I should have or could have done
differently. I suppose that could explain why I am like I am today. I
am constantly trying to seek approval from everyone around me. I
don't like change of any kind, hardly. I have a hard time with
relationships. I want them to be the perfect thing, and unfortunatly
they aren't perfect. I am loyal to people to a fault. Someone can do
something to me, and still I am loyal to the person and even make
excuses for them. I find that I criticize myself quite often. I
strive to be a perfectionist, and get mad at myself if it doesn't
turn out just right. And last but not least, I cannot stand to have
anyone mad at me. I want to be everyone's friend, and I will avoid
arguments at all costs. I sound pretty messed up, don't I?? Well, I
have learned a few things in the past few years, though. I'm not a
bad person. I recognize that there are some things I do very, very
well. Ten years ago I would not have admitted this to myself. I went
back to school and became an LPN five years ago. I would never
have attempted something like that when I was younger. I'm
slowly working on the other things that need fixing. I didn't get
these hang-ups overnight, and they won't go away overnight. If you
are a parent reading this, and if you think you have a drinking
problem, then I urge you to seek help. Children did not asked to be
born into this world, and it's so sad if they have to go through life
doubting the love of a parent, or being ashamed of that parent
because of his/her drinking problem. If you don't want to quit
drinking for yourself, then do it for your kids. If you're a child
reading this, and your mom or dad drinks, then I just want to tell
you to hang in there and keep in mind that no matter what anyone
says, you're a great person! If you're an adult child of an
alcoholic, then I urge you to get help if you feel you are somehow to
blame for your parents mistakes, or if you feel like you are carrying
anger around with you. The anger is the hardest to admit and the
hardest to get rid of, but it can be done. Once you finally admit
being angry, then you feel guilty for admitting it. I know it sounds
like a viscious circle, and it is. But it can be broken, and you can
slowly fight your way back to knowing that you are really an ok
person. For all of you that are reading this...I hope that somewhere
in here you got a little something out of this page...remember...I
just want you to know who I am.
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