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This
should be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - about snout height.
Dear
Dogs and Cats,
We
need to get a few things straight here.
The
dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please
note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The
stairway was not
designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the
bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I
cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For
the last time, there is not
a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you
there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw,
whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and
try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The
proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To
pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1.
They live here. You don't.
2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3.
I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.
To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.
And
remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1.
Eat less
2.
Don't ask for money all the time
3.
Are easier to train
4.
Usually come when called
5.
Never drive your car
6.
Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7.
Don't smoke or drink
8.
Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9.
Don't wear your clothes
10.
Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11.
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
~Author
Unknown~ |
