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Diary
of a Snow Shoveler
December
9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea
I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December
12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December
14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December
15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December
16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December
17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. Geesh I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December
20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
danged stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December
22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out
to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got
undressed, used the bathroom and dressed again. I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest
of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.
December
23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's lying.
December
24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I 've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the blasted snowplow.
December
25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then
the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel.
December
26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December
28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy!!!
December
29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December
30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.
December
31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January
8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? |
