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Holiday
Eating Tips
I
hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when
the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips
on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You
can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating
do's and don'ts...eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and
cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable
sticks, they say.
Good
grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot is
something you leave for Rudolph.
I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you
follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make
it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
Enjoy the tips!
1.
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who
cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3.
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6.
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9.
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10.
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
And
remember this motto to live by:
Life
should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO
what a ride!" |
